I turned 40 last month. I hope that’s a shock to you, thanks to my Mary Kay night serum…

Anyway, turning this outrageous number has made me much more reflective than I anticipated. When Matt and I walked onto our college campus a few weeks ago….it got even more intense, and I seriously felt like I was on a different planet. That chapter of my life seems like volumes and volumes ago. I found myself overwhelmed with wanting to be that girl again…..that college Lindsey; the one who lived side-by-side with the best friends she could imagine; the one who laughed too loud; the one who had so many dreams (well….and naps), so many plans, so much energy (after the naps). It’s such a monument in my mind, those years when I lived with all of these glorious people who had the same schedule, same life goals, same values, same routines, same meals, same church, same inside jokes, same wardrobe, same distain for music theory, same, same, same. We all sang together, ate together, shopped together, prayed together, movies, car pools, Chapel, library, dunkin donuts, speeding tickets, boyfriend break-ups, road trips…..a magical time of togetherness.

Needless to say, when Matt and I visited Trinity, it was insanely nostalgic. We have rarely been back there in the years since we’ve had kids…so like, a decade. Being there felt like I had momentarily risen above real life for a few hours. I was looking down at all that is my life in 2017. I was no longer in the trenches of motherhood and wifehood and adulthood….I was, for a short time, able to step back and consider the vast changes of the last 20 years. It made me wonder what I would tell 20-year-old-Lindsey if I could.

If I could sit down with her, what would I say? What on earth would I say to her? As I sit here, envying her life, what would she want to hear from me? Because I’m pretty sure, back then, all I wanted was to see how the chapters would unfold. I look back now, longing for her freedom, her carefree life. But 20 year old Lindsey was constantly wondering if she would get married, what career would she have, would she ever have kids, where would she live….

Do you know what I would tell her? I would tell her that all of her dreams came true. That she would marry the college boy that she was already falling in love with (and to stop fighting it)….that boy that gave her so much trouble (!) would love her so, so well. I would tell her that, by the grace of God, Matt would figure out his heart, and that she would too. She’d hear about how he is the most compassionate, faithful husband she could ever imagine. I’d tell her to forgive quickly and to not be so hard on him; to focus on the 100 amazing things she loves about him instead of the 3 things that annoyed her. (Why is this hard??) I would tell of his incredible dad-skillz; that he loves his kids SO, so much.

I would tell her about Cameron, who will fill her heart with the explosion of motherhood, who lights up the world with an unexplainable sweetness. I would tell her about Molly, who dances on rainbows and spreads glitter (and attitude) and joy and tenderness wherever she goes. I would tell her about Griffin, who, even with such a tender heart, is a leader of leaders (and who may never sleep in his own bed for the whole night), but who surely could be president one day. I would tell her that, as she dreams and hopes and prays, she needs to trust, breathe, relax. She can have absolute certainty that life, even in its storms, will be beautiful. Even in its mess, God will use it for good. He will swoop into life’s messes and do His thing where He is faithful and scandalously gracious. I wish I could tell her not to worry, to think more about the moment she is in, instead of missing it as she dreams of what’s to come. In that moment, she is becoming who she is. That moment, right there, is life. That moment will never come back.

And if she could talk to me, I think she’d share her wisdom too. Because she would be able to see that, while the togetherness of college life is a treasure, so is the togetherness of being with this precious family of mine; this family that is 100% irreplaceable. Eating together, shopping (don’t touch ANYTHING!), movies, church (sit still! don’t touch your brother!), inside jokes, homework (I have reminded you 4 times now….), bath time, dance parties (sprinkler, mockarena) , laughing, crying, loving…..these times are magic. These are my people. These intensely forgiving people who live under the same roof…..they see me at my worst, and they still love me. She’d tell me to wake up grateful, and to go to bed grateful, and to be grateful all in between.

20 year old Lindsey would tell me to cherish this chapter, this amazing chapter that I once dreamed of, hoped for, prayed for. Here it is. It’s real, it’s raw, it’s outrageously precious, and it’s slipping by.

I hope I can look back in 20 years and say that I loved this chapter with my whole heart; that I saw the treasure while it was right in front of me instead of missing it until it was only a memory; that I heard the whispers of God and that I quieted myself enough to see the miracles; that I didn’t spend most of my time dreaming of what was to come, but that I spent most of my time thanking God for each new day; that I looked for Him in the storms, and in the sunsets too; that I walked by faith and not by fear.

I fully admit my dependence on Him to help me navigate my wayward heart. May I be content in what He gives, and what He takes away.