This month marks the first time in over 9 years that I haven’t had to buckle any children into their car seats. They can all do it on their own now. What?? It seems like a rite of passage, a graduation, a precious freedom for me. The first few times it happened, I had this big sense of relief. Is this happening? I can just get in the car and close the door and drive? Seemed like such a big deal (cartwheel).

This week I also sat by the side of the pool for the first time and read a book while all three of my kids were swimming independently. Instead of them holding on to me, calling out to me, depending on me, they were jumping off diving boards, swimming in the deep end and showing their “invisible friends” (not imaginary, invisible) how to kick “big splashes.” And I do love Jane Austen, and I love sitting in the sun and reading. But after a full chapter of trying to enjoy my freedom, I realized that I would rather be with them. What was this feeling?? I’d rather have them calling out to me. I’d rather have them needing me.

Just then, I looked up to see my four year old sweetheart running up to me to pull me back into the water, saving me from this terrible freedom. And my heart leapt for joy. I looked into his little face. I was grateful for this moment. I saw his little childhood flashing before my eyes….one day very soon, he will be at the diving boards with my two older kids, he will be swimming without me, he won’t need me by his side to watch his “big kicks.” But in this moment, he needs me. I spent the rest of my time in the water with this small human who will grow up and change the world before I can blink.

As the Summer of 2015 does its thing, I hope I can hold onto that moment; I realized there isn’t always as much joy in the freedom of being by myself as I think there will be. I love being by myself at Target as much as the next girl, but maybe that’s because I have 3 hooligans at home who will tackle me when I come through the door. It’s nice to be needed. As a home education family, there are few times when I am alone, just me, getting things done. So I find myself longing for these moments when I can do my own thing. But as I ponder my desire to not be needed so much, I have seen a glimpse of the emptiness that comes with that. It’s nice to be needed. Did I say that already? It’s also exhausting and hard and challenging to be needed. But it’s a chance to serve those whom I love most on this planet.

There is joy in serving, joy in hospitality, joy in giving. And as I reach for moments when I don’t have to serve, I see myself stepping away from this joy. May I seek God’s help in leaning into my responsibility to serve these hooligans who need me. May I not seek my own freedom over their need for me. What a precious time each day is with them. Their independence will come soon enough. But I want to treasure these opportunities to serve them, and in doing so find joy in giving.

In seeking to serve, we are following the example of Christ. He, who created all things, did not seek to be served, but to serve. “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:45

Acts 20:24 says, “However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.”

In seeking to find freedom from serving my family, I think I may be holding “my life” too tightly, holding my agenda too closely. May I not hold my life so firmly as not to want to serve my own family. May I seek to testify of God’s grace to them. As the primary task that God has put into my hands at this time of my life, may I seek first to glorify Him, to copy His example.

I am starting to realize that when these kids head off to college, get their first jobs, walk down the aisle, I will not be celebrating my independence. I will not be heading to Target or Starbucks with a bounce in my step. I will be treasuring the time that I had them under my roof, remembering bedtime stories and one more drink of water, longing for days at the pool with invisible friends and “Mom, watch me!”

Thank you Lord for tomorrow, for another day that I have to serve my family and show them how much I love them. And may they seek a life of serving others. And in doing so, they will glorify their Father in heaven.